A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him:
“What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said,
“A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said,
“Well, that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.” The Lawyer said,
“Wait, Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.”
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel,
“Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
“Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”
The Happy Child
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the men’s delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.
“Isn’t it wonderful?” Brad exclaims. ”All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy.”
“He’s happy now,” says the nurse. “But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his a*s.”
A woman went into a department store and told the clerk that she wanted to return a toaster because it didn’t work. The cashier told her that he couldn’t give her a refund because she bought it on sale. Suddenly the woman yelled, “Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!”
The cashier didn’t know what to do, so he called the store manager. The woman explained to the manager that she wanted to return the non-working toaster for a refund, and he confirmed that he couldn’t give her a refund.
Once again, she yelled, “Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!”
The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling that particular phrase. She replied, “I like my tits grabbed when I’m getting screwed!”
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn’t start, and it was too late to call the local service station.
The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn’t even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife. No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her. “I couldn’t do that,” he whispered. “Your husband is my best friend!” “Listen, sugar,” she whispered back, “there ain’t nothing in the whole wide world could wake hime up now.” “I can’t believe that,” Charlie said. “Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he’ll wake up won’t he? “Sugar, he certainly won’t. If you don’t believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him.” Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife’s side of the bed and fucked her.
When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn’t long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband’s asshole hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: “Listen,
Charlie, old pal, I don’t mind you fucking my wife, but for Pete’s sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!”
An Russian tourist in New-York found himself needing to get rid of a large supply of garbage from his recent stay at an apartment. After a long search, he just couldn’t find any place to discard of it. So, he just went down one of the side streets to dump it there.
Yet, he was stopped by a police officer, who said,
“Hey you, what are you doing?”
“I have to throw this away,” replied the tourist.
“You can’t throw it away here. Look, follow me,” the policeman offered.
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges.
“Here,” said the cop, “dump all the garbage you want.”
The russian shrugs, opens up the large bags of garbage, and dumps them right on the flowers.
“Thanks for giving me a place to dump this stuff. This is very nice of you. Is this U.S.A courtesy?” asked the tourist.
“No. This is the Russian Embassy.”
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.”
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!”
The woman said, “That’s okay.”
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to”.
The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.”
So, KAZAM-she’s the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.”
The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.”
So, KAZAM-she’s the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”