Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a cat!”
Chemist’s Bad Day
Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the druggist – he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.” Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute – listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels – the phone is still ringing – when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke.
The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife – she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!”
The Ugly Baby
A woman got on a bus, holding a baby. The bus driver said, “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.” In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
“The bus driver insulted me,” she fumed. The man sympathized and said, “Why, he’s a public servant and shouldn’t say things to insult passengers.”
“You’re right,” she said. “I think I’ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.” “That’s a good idea,” the man said. “Here, let me hold your monkey.”
A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What’s up?” he says. “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
“You rotten b.stard,” says the husband, “my wife’s having a heart attack, and you’re running around naked, scaring the kids!”
I Want To Married
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”
Fred replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.” His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?” With a frown on his face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”
The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?” Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”
Genie In The Lamp
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said “OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?”
The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete . . how much steel!! No, think of another wish!”
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women . . . know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment… know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say, ‘nothing’… know how to make them truly happy…”
The genie said, “You want that bridge with two lanes or four?”
A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him: “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?” The Lawyer thought a moment, then said. “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, “Well, that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.” The Lawyer said, “Wait, Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.”
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, “Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”
A Magic Bag
A young pot head starts to smoke. His neighbors, an older christian couple, get sick of the smell seeping through the walls and call the cops. After a few minutes, the young man hears a knock on his door and hears “sir, open up, it’s the police.”
The young man stuffs his bag of weed into his back pocket and answers the door. The police officer smells the weed and pushes his way into the apartment. After a few moments of searching and talking, the officer notices the bag sticking out from the young man’s pocket and exclaims “a-ha! Care to explain this, young man?”
The young man quickly responds, “you see, officer, that’s a magic bag of weed. It appeared one day and whenever I try to throw it out or flush it down the toilet, it just hops back into my pocket.” The officer is sceptical, but the young man pushes the magic bag. At this point, the neighbors wandered from their apartment to the young man’s door to watch the action.
“Fine!” the officer finally agree. “If you can prove to me that your bag of weed is magic, then I’ll let you go.” The young man agree and shows the officer to the bathroom. The officer drops the bag of weed into the toilet and flushes it. The neighbors’ mouths drop and, after several seconds, the officer looks to the young man and asks, “Well…?”
The young man looks confused and asks, “well, what?” The cop, getting angry shouts at the young man, “Where are the damn drugs?” The young man looks even more confused and replies, “What drugs?”
Dark in Here Isn’t it?
Little Johnny is in his closet when he hears a noise. His mom comes in and starts having sex with someone other than his dad. He hears a door slam and his mother say “Oh no, my husband his home! Quick! Hide in the closet.”
The man get in the closet and little Johnny says: “Dark in here isn’t it?” The man is startled but then calms down. “Yes it is.”
“Do you want to buy my baseball glove?” “No.” “I could go to my dad.” “Fine. How much? ” “200$” “Fine. “
This happens again later in the week.
“Dark in here isn’t it?” “Yes, yes it is.” “Do you want to buy my baseball bat?” “How much?” “300$”
A few days later his dad wants to play ball with him and tells him to go get his glove and bat.
“I can’t. I sold them to my friends.” “For how much?” “500$” “That is way too much. I am taking you to church right now for a confession.”
They get to the church and little Johnny gets in the booth.
“Dark in here, isn’t it?” The reverend says: “Don’t start that shit again. Your in MY closet now.”
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
“Can of PAINT!” exclaimed the minister. “Yeah,” said the newlywed man. “She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.” The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
“That’s okay,” said the man. “We’re not welcome in Home Depot either.”
The Horse Laugh
A man walks into a bar and see’s a big line up in front of a horse. Beside the horse is a big barrel of money. The man walks to the back of the line and asks the last person: ”what is with the horse and the line?”
Person: “Well, if you can make the horse laugh you win the money” So the man stands in line and sure enough no one can make the horse laugh. When it finally reaches his turn he miraculously makes the horse laugh thus winning the barrel of money.
The same man walks into the same bar a week later and notices that there is another large line up in front of the same horse and another barrel of money next to it. The man goes to the last person in line and asks: “so you have to make the horse laugh again?”
Person: “Nope, now you have to make him cry” So the man stands in line and sure enough no one can make the horse cry. Finally when the man’s turn comes up he manages to make the horse cry and wins another barrel of money.
The man then proceeds to order a round of drinks to celebrate his achievement. The bartender then asks: ”so, how did you do it?’ Man: “Do what?”
Bartender: “How did you make the horse laugh and cry like that?” Man: “Well, to make the horse laugh… I told him my cock was bigger than his, to make him cry… I showed him it.”
A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting. Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, “Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?” The patient calls back, “One moment!” and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter’s level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.
With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick. Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, “It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is.”
The man can’t help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly. Before he leaves, he says to the patient, “That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?”
The patient holds up his wrist and says, “I suppose I’d just look at my watch.”
A husband had to leave his wife for 3 months while he attended business in Africa. To prevent her loneliness and to lower the temptations of her being unfaithful he gave his wife a magic dildo before he left. The reason it was called a magic dildo was because no matter where the wife was all she would have to do is say, “magic dildo” and then the place she wanted the magic dildo to be and it would appear there.
Well a week after her husband left the wife decided to give the magic dildo a try. She left it in the garage and then went up into her bed and said, “magic dildo, vagina.” Instantly it appeared where it was called and satisfied the wife. The wife was very excited about her magic dildo and started to use it every where. She called to it at work when no one was looking, in the wooded part of the park, at the movie theater, when she was dancing, everywhere. No matter where she was it would appear and make her squirm with pleasure.
One day on her way to work the wife hit bad traffic. She looked up ahead and saw there was an accident and realized it would be a while and decided to call the magic dildo. The wife was feeling really confident and called out “magic dildo, vagina.” She became overwhelmed and hit the accelerator slamming into the car in front of her. As it turned out that car was a cop.
The cop came up to the car seeing the woman squirming and suspected she was on drugs. “Get out of the car now and put your hands on the hood!” The wife tried to comply but ended up just falling to the pavement. The officer was quite alright and asked the wife what she was on. The wife told him “Officer I’m not on any drugs, my husband gave me a magic dildo and its causing me to loose control!”
The officer, not buying it, simply replied “Magic dildo, my ass.”
A Scotch, Please!
The bartender asked a guy sitting at the bar: “What’ll you have?” The guy answered: “A scotch, please.” The bartender handed him the drink and said: “That’ll be $5.” The guy said: “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, said to the bartender: “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”
The bartender was understandably unhappy, but said to the guy: “Okay, I’ll let you off this time, but don’t ever let me catch you in here again.” The next day, the same guy walked into the bar. The bartender said: “What the hell are you doing in here? I thought I told you to steer clear of this joint. I can’t believe you’ve got the never to come back.”
The guy said innocently: “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life.” Fearing that he had made a mistake, the bartender backed down. “I’m very sorry,” he said, “but the likeness is uncanny. You must have a double.”
The guy replied: “Thanks. Make it a scotch.”